the one where i get really personal.

Today I’m going to do something that scares me. Actually, to tell you the truth, it scares the HELL OUT OF ME…but what’s life really about without it’s awesome little challenges? Am I right?

Today I’m going to tell you something incredibly personal. I’m not going to go into a lot of details, but I want to share an experience with you, in the hopes that just maybe…1 person will read this. And maybe, that 1 person is struggling with their own issues, and just maybe…that 1 person, might see a little bit of light after reading this. If this can help even 1 person, then sharing this is definitely the right thing to do.

This past Monday was a big day for me. HUGE.

I finally went to see someone about my unhappiness. Now, I understand that “unhappiness” is one of the broadest terms I can use, and I use it for good reason. There really is no other way to describe the way I’ve felt over the past year and a half, but “unhappy” pretty much nails it. I find joy in my life, but I also see the darkness. And lately, the darkness has been all I can focus on. It’s really one of the most difficult ways to move through life; in the darkness. I want to feel the joy around me at all times. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even when the tunnel feels 100 miles long. This is why I finally pushed myself {with a little push from the husband} to go speak with someone about learning some skills and tools to help me be a happier person. 

Why am I unhappy you ask? It’s really a great question. From the outside, I seem to have everything together. I have an amazing husband, I have two beautiful and loving fur-babies, and I have the most amazing family and friends a girl could ever wish for. Where could I possibly find time to be unhappy with all of these wonderful people in my life? 

The answer is difficult to swallow. The answer is difficult to even say out-loud.

The answer is that my father left a year and a half ago, and I haven’t spoken to him in over 6 months. The answer is that my father was unhappy with HIS life, and so, he left. He found someone else, and he left. He left a family he’d spent 25 years building. He lied, he back-stabbed, he manipulated. He left two children who he told were “his entire life.” He left. And now I am fighting to be happy again. I fight with myself every single day. To tell myself that it’s not me he left, but his own unhappiness. He left because he couldn’t be a man and make the right decisions. He left because he couldn’t face himself. He left, and here I am cleaning up the mess he left ME with. 

This is something I am still trying to accept. Acceptance. Ugh, what a concept.

Accepting your reality is really where finding your happiness comes to fruition. This is what I am going to learn. To be happy with myself in the present. To be PRESENT in the NOW

I can’t change the past. I can’t alter the future. What’s going to happen will happen, and what has happened, can’t be changed. As humans, we tend to “cycle our thoughts,” meaning that we continue to rethink and replay situations and scenarios over and over again in our heads. It’s enough to make a person go insane. Seriously. There’s a term for this type of thinking - but I’ve forgotten what it is called. Anyhow - this is also a symptom of unhappiness and learning to control this type of activity in your brain will really aid you in being present in the now. 

What I am most looking forward to {except the obvious happiness I’ve been missing} is the 12 week course that I am now enrolled in to begin the 2nd of February. This 12 week course is called, “Mindful Mood Management.” This class will teach me the necessary skills and tools to be present in the now. It will teach me to be mindful of where I am in the present situation. It will help me meditate and actively monitor and control my thoughts. I AM SO EXCITED.

Honestly, I haven’t had this much excitement {and nervousness} since our wedding week and I can’t wait to pursue this next adventure with myself! Being a happier me, will give the people I love a turn to be with a happier Melissa; a happier wife, sister, daughter, and friend.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts in this space. I’m sure once I start the program, I’ll use this space to express my thoughts in the journey I’m about to begin. Here’s to better days!